From the wayback machine: The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

Was just reminded that eight years ago was the Heroes and Outlaws exhibition organized by City Arts Center (that became Oklahoma Contemporary) to celebrate Oklahoma’s Centennial. 100 Oklahoma artists were invited to depict a famous or well-known Oklahoman in whatever way they saw fit. Chuck Norris was born March 10, 1940 and was great inspiration for my piece:

(c) Trent Lawson

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
45″ x 30″ Mixed Media on Canvas

Chuck Norris Facts:

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  • Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  • Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
  • The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • Chuck Norris can speak braille.
  • Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
  • Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
  • Chuck Norris’ favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N’ Gravel.
  • When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
  • Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  • Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, “WWCND?”
  • Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but also a verb.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
  • The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
  • Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
  • Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • Chuck Norris can read Braille with his scrotum.
  • The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.
  • Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
  • Chuck Norris can stare into the sun all he wants, but the sun can’t stare at Chuck Norris for more than a few seconds.
  • In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
  • In 1998, Chuck Norris’ heart was replaced with a flux capacitor.
  • Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
  • Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his right and left legs.
  • Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
  • It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
  • When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
  • Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
  • Chuck Norris made the first oak tree by planting one of his arm hairs.
  • On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
  • Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
  • Chuck Norris can taste lies.
  • Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
  • Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
  • Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
  • Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
  • The best offense is Chuck Norris.

One thought on “From the wayback machine: The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

  1. Here are some I made up:Einstein told Chuck Norris his round house kick could not break the speed of light. Chuck Norris rebuttal by round house knickig him from the Future.Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in surgery, he believes in rounds house kicks to the face.Satellite images of Chuck Norris started the war in Iraq.Tiger Woods imitates his swing after Chuck Norris’ round house kick.Chuck Norris walks on water because the water is scared of Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris killed a shark when he told it to not breath.When a man farts, the fart scurries back into the man and the man explodes because Chuck Norris doesn’t like stink.

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